Some people read wholesome material every single day, like for example “every day with Jesus”. Doing so equips them to go out into the world feeling spiritually centered and ready to take whatever the day throws at them. It’s a healthy start, like Granola, and a routine that gets the day off on the right foot.

Thanks to a recent Christmas gift, my would-be daily devotional is of a far less wholesome nature. ‘Position of the day’ provides the reader with a new sex position to try each and every day. It’s as thick as my Bible (yes I do own one), though it’s unlikely you’ll find this publication in the bedside table drawer of every hotel you visit, despite the fact it might be more fitting for the purpose.

Tomorrow is my birthday, so I took a peek at what tomorrows position would be. It was then when I became suspicious that this might not be a book for beginners (not that I would classify myself as a beginner mind you). ‘The well-oiled machine’ position includes no less than four people! It’s a tricky position, especially for a midweek night in the middle of January!

The book comes with no specific disclaimers about possible injuries the reader might sustain while trying to attempt some of the more imaginative antics. Positions like the ‘head-bangers ball’ look like they could result in a serious injury should one or other party have a momentary wobble, which one might think is quite possible given the nature of subject at hand. And who comes up with the names of these positions? ‘The chairway to heaven’, ‘The meat hook’, ‘The empire strikes back’, and the ‘Rodeo drive’.

The book even comes complete with details such as how many calories are burned during each particular situation, plus what equipment you might need to make the magic happen (rocking chairs, pull-up bars, and good ol’ fashioned beds). And for the really devoted there is even a notes section so you compare and contrast the results of experiments such as the ‘Fortuitous Faint’ or the ‘Breakfast of Champions!’

I’m not sure that I’d be making notes, but maybe I should get on and try some of these positions sooner rather than later though? After all tomorrows birthday is one step closer to the days of creaky bones, bad backs and the like, and many of these positions look like they might require a serious amount of agility.

In the end I probably won’t be partaking in the ‘well-oiled machine’ tomorrow. A more subdued and low key approach to my birthday is in store I think. At the weekend some friends, and even my parents, are coming up north to enjoy a birthday meal with me, complete with a pre-dinner firework ‘display’ of sorts. It should be a lot of fun. Some people hate their birthdays, I love mine, even if I don’t get to oil any machinery!

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Position of the day
Every day with Jesus